Tips for Preparing a Short Form Rule 401 Financial Statement-Frequently Asked Questions

1.  Do both parties need to fill out a financial statement?  Yes. Both parties must fill out the financial statement.  People often ask if they can simply fill out one financial statement if they agree.  The answer is a definitive no.  Whether parties have an agreement or not, they each must fill out the financial statement. The reasons for this are discussed further below.

2.  Do the financial statements have to be done weekly or can they be done on a monthly basis? The financial statements must be done on a weekly basis.  This is the cause of more confusion and frustration than almost anything else.  The forms ask for weekly income and weekly expenses.  The frustration is understandable as most people do not manage their finances on a weekly basis. To get to a weekly number if you are going from monthly to weekly, divide by 4.32, not by 4.  This is a very common mistake. The other option is to multiply by 12 and divide by 52.

3.  Why do we need to fill out the financial statement anyway?  Another variation of this is “do we need to fill out a financial statement?”  There are four primary reasons why the financial statements are required. First, it is a way to make sure that each party sets out a full and accurate representation of their finances signed under the pains and penalties of perjury.  Secondly, it is a way to make sure that each party is fully informed about the other party’s finances and thus the agreement is based on full information.  (This of course assumes that the parties have exchanged financial statements before signing a divorce agreement which they should absolutely do). Third, it allows a judge to get a full picture of each of the parties’ finances on a form that judges see every day and a form that is uniform. Finally, it essentially requires parties to create a budget.  Particularly if there are issues of child support or alimony, the financial statements require parties to calculate their expenses and income so that they can see on paper whether they have a weekly deficit or excess.

4.  How important is the financial statement?   The simple answer is that it is extremely important. Next to the divorce agreement it is the most important document the parties will file in a divorce case.  It is important that the financial statement accurately reflects the parties’ income, expenses, assets and liabilities.  If a party misrepresents an asset on a financial statement, it could be grounds for reopening the divorce later if it is discovered that information was not accurate or true.  It is also signed under the pains and penalties of perjury so if a party misrepresents something on the financial statement they are subject to a claim that they committed perjury.

5.  Can we submit our tax return instead of the Rule 410 Financial statement?  No. The financial statements are required in every case. Tax returns are not required. In fact, if the parties have an agreement, the judge will not request the parties’ tax return and will not likely see their tax returns. The judge will review the parties’ agreement and financial statements.  In addition, while tax returns may be evidence of a parties’ income they do not show expenses, assets or liabilities. 

6.  Why are the financial statements on pink paper?  Short form financial statements should be completed on pink paper and long form financial statements should be completed on purple paper. I don’t think there is any particular reason for those colors but the reason they are on colored paper is that financial statements filed with the court are impounded. That means that they are kept separately from the rest of the divorce file including divorce agreements. The divorce file, including agreements are open to the public.  Financial statements are not. So, having them on colored papers makes it easier to easily pick them out of the file to make sure they are in fact kept separate.

7.  Do Rule 401 financial statements need to be notarized?  Interestingly enough long form financial statement needs to be notarized. The short form financial statement does not need to be notarized.  Both forms however need to be signed under the pains and penalties of perjury by the party.

8.  Are we going to need to fill out the financial statement more than once?  Most likely, you will need to fill out the financial statements more than once. While in mediation, it is important that each party has a financial statement filled out and exchanged with each other. This is so that all the financial information is clear and open to the other party to explore.   The likelihood is though that the financial statements will need to be filled out at least one more time and possibly more times. Depending on how much time goes by between the beginning of mediation and the end, if there have been significant changes in finances, a revised financial statement will need to be completed. A signed financial statement will be filed with the court when the divorce papers are filed with the court. Typically, there is a 30- 45-day lag (or more depending on the court) between when the papers are filed and the hearing.  The judge is typically going to want to see a financial statement that is signed and dated on the day of the hearing. This is to avoid a scenario where there have been major changes between when the papers were filed and the hearing date that are not reflected on the financial statements. Sometimes, a judge will simply ask clients to initial and re-date the financial statements they already filed (if there are no changes).

9.  Do we need to fill in information about our assets and liabilities if we have already agreed that we are each keeping what is in our name?  Yes.  Regardless of your agreement, the financial statement must be filled out in full. As discussed above, the reasons for this is that it insures that each party has made a full disclosure of his/her finances and that each has full information about the other’s finances.  So, even if you have decided that you will each keep your own retirement accounts, it is important that you list the accounts. This way the judge knows that you each know what you are waiving and keeping and it allows the judge to have information necessary to determine if the agreement is fair and reasonable.

HOW TO COMPLETE THE SHORT FORM FINANCIAL STATEMENT IN MASSACHUSETTS

First, here is the link to the Massachusetts Probate and Family Court’s Website where you can download a PDF version of the Short Form Financial Statement: 

https://www.mass.gov/info-details/child-support-guidelines-court-forms

Please note that while the form that can be downloaded from this site will add up and total numbers listed, it cannot be saved.  Court instructions for filling out the financial statement can be found at:  https://www.mass.gov/how-to/file-the-short-financial-form.

My office will provide you with an excel version of this form that can be saved and that has all of the additional schedules, like Schedule A and Schedule B, as well as the explanatory notes page.

Here are a few additional tips:

1.     I generally recommend that clients not include their full social security number. It is generally not necessary and with the amount of cyber crime happening, I think it is better to not have your social security number floating around unless absolutely necessary.

2.     Gross pay:  If you are a salaried employee this section is straightforward. Simply look at your paystub and include your gross weekly pay. Remember that the form is weekly.  If you get paid every two weeks, make sure to divide by 2.  If paid monthly, divide by 4.32.

3.     If you are self- employed, you will need to fill out a Schedule A. See more about that below.  If you are doing the financial statement on the excel form, once you fill out the schedule A, it will fill in your adjusted gross income on line 2d of page 1.  If you are doing it by hand, you will need to fill in that number after finishing schedule “A”.

4.     If you receive bonuses, the best way to handle those is to include the total bonuses for the year and divide by 52. If your bonuses change from year to year, you can either include what you have received to date for that year or what you received for the prior year. In any event, you should include a notation that explains what you have done in the “Explanatory notes” page. (see below).

5.     There is a page called “Explanatory Notes” on the excel version of the financial statement.  More explanation is better than less. Anywhere on the financial statement where you feel you need to explain something, you should err on the side of explaining it on the “Explanatory Notes” page and referencing the item number you are referring to.  So for example if you receive a bonus, I would include the amount on page one with and asterisk. On the explanatory page you can reference the line number and include a note such as,  “ This was my total bonus for 20??.  My bonuses change every year and I do not typically receive the bonus until December.”

6.     Similar to self-employment, if you have rental property, you will need to fill out a schedule B. See below.

7.     Page 2-You should be able to obtain your federal and state tax deductions off of your paystub. If you are self-employed and pay estimated taxes, you will need to either estimate or look at your tax returns to determine how much tax you paid.

8.     If you have employer provided medical insurance, include the cost in #3(d).  If you do that, do not then also include it in 8(m) below. This is a very common mistake.

9.     Once you have included all of your deductions, you should end up with a net weekly income. This is essentially your “take home pay”.  It is an important number to know as it tells us what is left after all your deductions and what you have left to pay the expenses listed below that.

10.  Do not forget to include your income from last year and the number of years you have paid into social security.  You can get that by getting a statement at www.ssa.gov.

11.  The expense section is often the most difficult to fill out.  First, it is calculated on a weekly basis and most people do not keep records weekly. Remember to divide by 4.32 if you are going from monthly to weekly.  I always tell people to do the best they can when filling this out. There is not an expectation that it will be accurate to the penny. It is important to have it be as realistic as possible.  Some items will be easier than others. Rent or mortgage will be the same each week. Some bills and expenses may need to be averaged over the course of a month or year.  Some expenses (like heat) vary by time of year so in that case, take the whole year and average it.  Food costs also vary so you should average those costs.

12.  You will see that the expenses listed on the short form are by no means a comprehensive list of expenses.  You should not hesitate to list additional expenses on the “additional expense sheet”. For example, the form does not include such basic things as haircuts, newspapers, birthdays, entertainment, internet, cell phone, lawncare etc.  Try to be as accurate as possible. If your expenses exceed your income on the form, don’t worry. That is not uncommon and it is recognized that you are estimating to some extent.

13. One very common question is what to do if you are still living together? In other words, do you indicate current expenses and split them?  I generally recommend that if possible, assuming the couple does not in fact plan to continue to live together after the divorce, the parties should anticipate and project what their expenses will be living apart. If one person plans to stay in the house, he or she should list the house expenses as though they were paying them fully. The person moving out should project what the cost will be of a new apartment or house.  This gives you an idea for what your budgets will be living apart which is important information when trying to agree on a child support or alimony amount or how to share child expenses after the divorce.

14. #9- Counsel Fees- If you have paid a retainer to an attorney, list it here. Do not include your mediator’s fees here.

15. Page 3 of the short form is devoted to asset and debts. My general rule of thumb is if an asset is jointly owned, you should both list it on each of your statements and list the full amount rather than half. I think this is less confusing.  If an asset is individually owned, it should only be listed on the statement of the person whose name the asset is in.

16. Initially, if you do not know the value of the home or car, it is ok to estimate. Eventually, when the financial statement is signed and filed with the court, you will need to include as accurate a number as possible. You may need to go to a site such as KBB.com to determine your vehicle’s value.  You may need to get a real estate appraisal to determine the value of your house.  This will be discussed in the mediation session.   The rest of the asset and debt section is pretty self-explanatory. Here however are a few other tips and common mistakes that you should be aware of.  Do not include full account numbers (for same reason that I suggest you not include full social security number.)  If you have a term life insurance policy (8e), those generally have no cash value. Do not put the death benefit on this line. Line 8(e) is intended for whole life or universal life type policies that have a cash value.  If you have already listed the mortgage or equity line in #10 or listed a car loan on 10(b), do not list those again under the Liability section in number 11.

17.  If you have a defined contribution retirement like a 401K or 403B, list the current value.  If you have a defined benefit pension like a state pension, union pension or federal government pension, you will need to determine the value by obtaining a present value calculation.  Ask your mediator about that as this is beyond the scope of this article.

18. Schedule “A”- This schedule is not included in the court form which the state website provides.  The court provides the form but it is not integrated into the short form so you will need to fill it out and then include the number on page 1.  If you are using the excel form that I will provide you with, Schedule “A” will be integrated with the rest of the financial statement.   Schedule “A” is similar to Schedule “C” of your federal tax return. You cannot simply attach your schedule “C” however.  The easiest way to think about schedule “A” is it represents your gross receipts minus legitimate business expenses.  Make sure to not duplicate expenses from page 2 and your business expenses.

19. Schedule B is the form which lists your rental income. Once you do the calculations on Schedule B, the final number which is your income after expense will be listed on page1.

20.  Here are some final thoughts about the financial statement.  One of the challenges and confusing aspects of it is that sometimes it calls for current numbers and sometimes it calls for prospective numbers.  Sometimes it calls for actual numbers, like your monthly rent, and sometimes it is an average, like your weekly food bill.  Sometimes, the form calls for actual monthly, like automobile insurance, and sometimes it requires that you average costs over the year because expenses change month to month, like heat. The form does not include a comprehensive list of expenses so it requires you to think of other expenses that may not be listed. And, the form is a moving target.  The financial statement may change as the mediation progresses.  You will likely have to prepare it at least twice.  So, on the one hand, when it comes to expenses, I always tell my clients to do the best they can but not to stress out about absolutely precise numbers.  With respect to assets and liabilities though, the numbers need to be precise and accurate. The assets and liabilities listed on your financial statement need to be consistent with what is listed in your agreement.  In other words, if you list an asset on your financial statement, it should be addressed in your agreement. If you address an asset in your agreement, it should be listed on your financial statement.

What Should You Ask Your Mediator at the First Session?

At my initial free consultations, I usually start by giving potential clients an overview of the mediation process, a little bit of background about me and my philosophy about family law and mediation. At some point I will turn to the clients and ask if they have any questions.  I am often surprised that prospective clients have no questions.  It could be that I have done such a comprehensive and fantastic job explaining the process that they truly feel they have all the information they need.  I don’t really think that is it though. Maybe they have already done all the research they need. Sometimes I think that the process is so overwhelming that clients may simply be distracted and not know what to ask.  For most people it is their first time divorcing and they do not know where to start.  Finally, sometimes clients have been referred by people, they are not shopping around and have come in to the initial session knowing that they plan to hire me. Sometimes, in those situation, clients save their questions for after we officially get started.

What I offer below is some thoughts and ideas of questions that may be helpful to ask at your initial consultation with your mediator.  A free initial consultation is an opportunity to get to know your potential mediator and make sure that you are making the right decision.  This person is going to help guide you in making some of the most important decisions of you life.  Due diligence is not just important, it is critical.

1.  First, hopefully you will have determined before the first session if the initial consultation is free.  I covered this in a previous blog post. (see  https://www.amherstmediators.com/2017/10/free-initial-consultation.html).  In short, some mediators charge for the initial session and some don’t.  I do not charge for an initial session. I see it as an opportunity for the clients to make sure they feel comfortable with me as the mediator and for me to make sure that the case is appropriate for mediation.

2.  There are a number of questions which are important to ask but which will inevitably fall into the “it depends” category.  While it is not within the scope of this article to answer the questions posed below, please refer to previous blog articles which discuss the questions in substance.

            a.  How long will it take?  This question has two parts. First is, how long will the mediation itself take and second is how long will the divorce action take?

            b. Related to the first question is how much will it cost?  How long the process lasts and how much it costs are the two most common questions. (For a substantive discussion of these questions- see https://www.amherstmediators.com/2017/02/more-frequently-asked-questions-that.html.

3.  Do you meet at regular intervals, (say for instance every two weeks) or is the scheduling based on the individual needs and schedules of the clients? Mediators have different approaches to this issue. Some will meet at prescribed intervals and some will leave it to the clients to determine the pace.  There are pros and cons to each approach but you should think about your situation and what would work best for you.

4.  Does the mediator take a retainer or do clients pay as they go?  This is a very important question that may have an impact on whether you choose a particular mediator.  I find that many clients that I deal with are struggling financially.  Many clients come into mediation already in debt and now having two households is another additional burden.  I have clients for whom the pace of the mediation (i.e.- how often we meet) depends on whether they have the money to pay for the session.  One of the advantages of mediation over litigation is that it is almost always cheaper.  If clients have to come up with a $2,500.00 or $5,000.00 retainer at the beginning of the mediation, they simply may not have the ability to come up with that much up front.  I, for instance, ask clients to pay at the end of every session but they pay as they go.  (I ask for a small retainer of $300.00 which is used for drafting and time spent outside of the actual mediation).  I find that having clients pay as they go makes it affordable for clients and keeps them in control of the cost.

5.  Will the mediator draft the ultimate agreement? If the parties reach an agreement, will the mediator draft it?  This may seem like a question with an obvious answer but in fact, not all mediators will draft a divorce agreement and not all mediators can draft a divorce agreement.  If the mediator is not an attorney, then the mediator cannot draft a divorce agreement as it could be seen as the unauthorized practice of law. Non-lawyer mediators often draft agreements called a “Memorandum of Understanding”. There are also lawyer mediators who choose to help clients reach an agreement but choose to not draft the agreement. This means the clients then need to hire their own lawyers (or have their current lawyers) draft the agreement.

6.  Will the mediator draft the court papers?  When I first started mediating in 1994, I left my initial training with the impression that it was not appropriate to draft court papers for clients. As I started mediating more, I quickly encountered the common situation where the parties had reached an agreement but now discovered that they needed to either hire a lawyer or draft the court papers on their own.  While preparing the court papers is not tremendously complicated, for clients in the midst of the anxiety of the divorce, it was just one more thing.  Although I give clients the choice of either my drafting the court papers or their drafting the paperwork and saving a little money, almost 100% of the time, clients have me draft the paperwork.

7.  Will the mediator go to court with the parties?

8.  Will the mediator tell the parties what is a fair agreement? Another way to ask this question is “What is the role of the mediator?”  This is a critical question that goes to the heart of the approach that the mediator will take.  There are some mediators who see themselves as more directive and some mediators consider themselves facilitative.  A directive mediator will give you his or her opinion on what is fair or what a court might do. A mediator who is a facilitative mediator will help the parties reach an agreement, discuss the issues, explore options but will not tell the parties what he or she thinks the parties should do.  I spend a fair amount of time discussing this with clients.  I am a facilitative mediator. I will not tell clients what I think is fair because ultimately my goal is for them to reach an agreement based on what they think is fair- not what I think is fair. My conception of fair is based on my world views and biases.  My goal is to make sure they have all the information they need to make an informed decision.

9.  The corollary to the above question is will the mediator tell the parties if she thinks the agreement is not fair?  This is a complex question.  In addition to my goal of making sure they have all the information they need to make an informed decision, I want to make sure that when they go to court, things will go smoothly and the judge will approve their agreement.  If I think they are agreeing to something which may lead to a problem with the judge approving the agreement, I will discuss it with the clients. How did they arrive at the decision? Do they understand it? Do they believe it is fair?  I don’t see it as my job to change their minds but I do see it as my job to make sure they are not under some misunderstanding of the law or facts and I want to make sure that their rationale is sound.

10.  Other than court papers, will the parties need anything else that would require drafting or lawyers and how much will that cost?  The answer to this depends on the individual situation. There may need to be deeds drafted, Qualified Domestic Relations Orders drafted and there will be a cost for these. Find how in advance how the mediator will handle this? Will the mediator draft the QDRO or Deed if those are necessary?

11.  How well does the mediator know the particular court that your divorce will be filed in?  This could be extremely helpful and important. I have had situations where timing for filing the divorce was critical because a party was moving out of state.  I was able to call the right person at the court and obtain a date in short order and the clients were able to process their divorce before one of the parties moved.  Different courts have different processes. It is helpful if the mediator knows those individual idiosyncrasies so that the clients are prepared when they appear before the court.

12.  Are there any downsides to using mediation?  There are always pros and cons to every decision you make. Talk to your mediator about what he or she thinks are the pros and cons of the mediation process. 

13.  Should I have my own lawyer?  I always encourage clients to speak to their own lawyer. This is important to talk to the mediator about. Some mediators will not take the mediation if clients do not have lawyers.  Talk with your mediator about the role/or non-role of lawyers in the process.

14.  Does the mediator meet with clients individually? This is another area that mediators approach very differently. Talk to your mediator about how they approach individual meetings and think about what is important for you on this front.  See https://www.amherstmediators.com/2016/07/neutrality-and-transparency.html

Questions you may be tempted to ask but which I don’t recommend?

1. What is your success rate?

2. Do you keep track of what percentage of cases settle?

3. What do you think is fair?

The reason I don’t recommend the above questions is a whole article in itself.  Maybe a better question for the mediator would be, “How do you define success?”  It is precisely because I do not believe there is just one answer to the question that I don’t like the question of what is my success rate, and why I do not keep a track record or batting average of cases settled.

There are some obvious questions which may or may not be important to you and which probably apply to any situations where you are hiring someone, like

1. How many years have you been mediating?

2. What percentage of your practice is mediation?

3. What percentage of your practice is family law?

4. Are you involved on a local, state or national level with any mediation organizations?

5.  Outside of your private practice, in what other ways are you involved in mediation?  Are you on any statewide committees?  Do you teach or train mediators? Have you published articles on family mediation topics? 

I find that clients rarely ask me these questions. It may be that in this age of the internet, most of the answers to those questions could be found on the web or the mediator’s website. If the mediator does not have a website it may be useful to ask some of these questions to get an idea of the background and breadth of knowledge of the mediator.  In general though, I find that other than the basic questions discussed at the beginning of this article, most clients are going to use the initial meeting to get a feel and a gut sense for the mediator.

The questions which you should be asking yourself are:

1. Do I feel comfortable with this mediator?

2. Do I feel like this mediator has integrity?

3.  Do I feel like this mediator will be fair and balanced and maintain integrity in the process?

4.  Based on what I have heard, do I have any concerns about the mediation process in general?

Ultimately, both parties to the divorce action need to be comfortable with the mediator. Sometimes one is comfortable and the other is not.  You should feel comfortable that the mediator is skilled, knowledgeable, competent, experienced and has the temperament that works for you. While it may be tempting to base the decision on whether you feel like you can influence the mediator to take your side or like you more or believe in you more, the real test should be, do you feel this mediator is knowledgeable, experienced, skilled, able to maintain neutrality, professionalism and does he or she provide a safe space to discuss sometimes difficult issues?

Even More Conflict Resolution Tips

It’s hard to believe that I wrote the first in this series called Conflict Resolution Tips for Divorcing Couples in 2005.  https://mediate.com/articles/kaufmano1.cfm.  More Conflict Resolution Tips was written in 2013. https://www.mediate.com//articles/KaufmanO6.cfm#

Despite the over 30 years I have been mediating, I keep learning from almost every mediation.

In the first article the tips boiled down to:

1.       Conduct a conflict self-assessment (i.e.- take your temperature as it relates to conflict).

2.       Normalize conflict (i.e.: conflict happens every day).

3.       Conflict is an opportunity.

4.       Listen, and

5.       Think about what you would like the process to look like when you look back on it years from now.

In “More Conflict Resolution Tips” I added the following to the list:

6.       Change your expectations (i.e.: expect bumps in the road).

7.       Adverse positions are normal and should not be the death knell of the process.

8.       Attorneys are not the enemy (i.e.- the right attorneys can help the process tremendously), and

9.       Even though it may take work, make the decisions today (i.e. if possible- don’t kick the can down the road).

In this article, I would like to add some more tips and modify and expand on several previous ones. Here are a few more tips to add to the ever-expanding list:

1.       Give yourself the time you need;

2.       Take care of yourself/listen to what your inner voice is telling you;

3.       Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish (you have spent a lot of time and money and now are stuck- don’t throw it away);

4.      Imagine yourself looking at the mediation through a one way mirror- or imagine your children seeing the mediation – how does it look and how would you like it to look?

5.       Just as an exercise, try and put emotions aside for a moment and do a cost benefit analysis;

6.       Find someone you can talk to about the emotional part as well as the financial.

Let me expand briefly on each of the above.

1.Give yourself the time you need.

Rushed decisions are often bad decisions.  There are many pressures on people when they divorce. Maybe you’re contemplating selling a house, buying a house, which school will your children attend and on and on?  These are lifelong decisions the impact of which will be felt for a long time. Like any other major decision in your life, take the time necessary to consider the decision and the consequences.  Do your research. Consult with your lawyer, friends, accountants or anyone else who you trust to give you a rational perspective.  If your spouse is rushing things, then in mediation talk about the pace and why it is important to you to take the time.  The pace of mediation is often an issue of contention. It is therefore important to make sure your spouse knows that you are not dragging your feet to slow the process down but rather you need the time to consider the issues.  If you are already in court and you feel rushed by the court process, almost any judge I know will gladly give you more time and continue a pre-trial conference or status conference if the judge knows that you are actively engaged in mediation and the additional time will help reach an agreement.

2. Take care of yourself.

Divorce is an anxiety producing process. In addition to life’s normal complexities, you are adding on just about every major life decision to the mix- kids, the house, your retirement, health insurance, taxes, life insurance and the list goes on.  It is particularly important during this process that you take care of yourself. By that I mean, the basics, get sleep, eat, try and have some fun and exercise. All those things that are important when life is “normal” are doubly important when you are going through the stress of divorce.

3.  Don’t be penny wise and pound-foolish.

Imagine the following not so unusual scenario. You have spent $2,500.00 on your mediation, you have settled 95% of the issues and you reach a stumbling block.  You cannot agree on who to name as the life insurance beneficiary. You want to name your sister and your husband wants you to name him.  You have resolved all the tough issues and for some reason this one remains.  Maybe you have left the most difficult for last or maybe resolving this means you are done and taking that leap is too scary. In any event, I can pretty confidently say that it makes no sense financially and otherwise to terminate mediation and turn it over to lawyers because you cannot resolve that issue. The financial and emotional costs are likely to be very high.  Despite this, I see people doing this repeatedly (or at least contemplating it). 

This same situation manifests itself in other common ways.  For instance, a divorcing couple argues over a few dollars or something financially insignificant because it is “a matter of principle.”  This can manifest itself in many ways- “I will agree to nothing less than 50/50 custody!” or, “I was the custodial parent during the marriage and I insist that I have to be the custodial parent post marriage.”  If you are at the point where this might be happening, I suggest reviewing some of the other tips here and in previously articles as a way to help you move forward and finish the process effectively.  Arguing over “principle” can be a very dangerous and expensive proposition.

4. Imagine yourself looking at the mediation through a one-way mirror.

Sometimes I wonder if it would make a difference if the couple I am working with could just watch themselves through a one-way mirror.  On the one hand I appreciate that they feel safe enough to not hesitate to express how they feel. That’s a good thing. On the other hand, I think if people were able to see themselves as an outsider they might be horrified.  Maybe more effective than imagining a one-way mirror is for clients to think about how would this look to their children if they were watching.  Of course I am not suggesting that this be done. However, I might ask clients who are fighting to think about how it would feel to their children if they saw them fighting. Even if they are not actively fighting in from of their children (hopefully) it trickles down. Kids feel it and if affects them. Is this enough incentive to look for a way to resolve the conflict?

5.  Do a cost benefit analysis.

At the end of the day, most of the divorce agreement (with the exception of parenting issues) revolves around financial decisions.  The problem and challenge is that this isn’t just a business a deal. There are multiple layers of emotions involved.  The ultimate agreement however should be based on a rational financial analysis. If it is emotionally based- i.e. revenge, guilt, anger, fear- there will inevitably be problems down the road.  At some point in the process when final decisions need to be made, a simple cost benefit analysis is extremely useful. What are the costs of not settling? What are the benefits of settling?  Write them out and sit with it for a while.

6.  Find someone to talk with.

Not much elaboration is needed here.  Having someone you trust that you can talk about this with is critical.  It may be that you talk with one person about the financial and one person about the emotional. The only caveat I would make here is to be careful about not confusing support and a good sounding board with someone who gives you legal advice who has no business giving you legal advice. It is not uncommon what clients come in and tell me they have reached an agreement about something and when I ask how they arrived at the agreement, I find out that it was based on some incorrect legal information/advice they received.   That aside, having someone with whom you can discuss the process is invaluable.